your past does not define you
Let's be honest, many people tend to view & plan their future based on what's happened in our past. The problem becomes when we let our past define us
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So what's the problem with this approach? Well, it leads to avoidable feelings of anxiety as it denies us the possibility of enriching & joyful experiences
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Read on to find hints & tips about how to improve how you view your past. You'll also find our Founder's personal tale of challenging his own tendency to let his past define how he sees his future
your past
does not define you
This article talks about how you, me, many people let's be honest, tend to picture our future based on what's happened in our past. Seeing life through this prism is normal & makes sense. If we're trying to make important decisions, like changing jobs or starting new relationships, the past is one of the best indicators we have of what might happen.
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What doesn't make sense is when we convince ourselves that whatever has happened in our past will definitely happen again in our future. Especially if we tend to focus on the mistakes & bad experiences in our past when planning our future. And unfortunately too many of us fall victim to this skewed view of life.
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So what's the problem with this approach? Well, it leads to avoidable feelings of anxiety as it denies us the possibility of enriching & joyful experiences - whether this be in our romantic life, work life or personal life.
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In professional circles, this is known as 'cognitive distortion.' The technical description for this type of 'distortion' is 'fortune telling'.
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Rather than having a balanced view of our past, many of us instead fall into negative patterns of thought where we 'distort' how we think about our past by giving it too much power over how we picture & plan our future.
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To us, how we view our past & how we use it to picture our future will feel balanced & sensible. To others, it'll
come across as unbalanced & pessimistic
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Let's take a closer look at this so-called 'cognitive distortion'
"Cognitive distortions" come in different shapes & sizes. Below is one of the most common "cognitive distortions". But if this "cognitive distortion" doesn't strike a chord, please head over to our anxiety
home page. There you'll find other help articles which talk about a number of other common "cognitive distortions"
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If you're not sure if any apply to you, why not ask a friend or a family member what they think.
Many of us have a blindspot when it comes to understanding ourselves. Someone else might
be able to offer some insight into how you typically talk about yourself & your life in general
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This personal blindspot is absolutely normal, please don't worry
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Okay, let's get started: take a look to see if
anything strikes a chord with you
fortune
telling
'Fortune telling' is where a person has a tendency to make very negative & very black-and-white predictions about their future. These negative predictions are usually fuelled by distressing events or experiences in the person's past. Someone else, looking on, would find these predictions to be an overreaction, possibly an extreme overreaction, to these events or experiences. A person might make very negative, very black-and-white predictions about just one aspect of their life or sometimes many. For example a person may be negative just about their romantic life, or sometimes pretty much everything.
We've talked about 'fortune telling' & hopefully you've been able to spend a bit of time thinking about whether this 'cognitive distortion' might be influencing how you picture & plan your future. The question you're bound to be asking now is what can you do to improve the situation...
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The second bit of jargon is 'reframing.' When you spot yourself slipping into a negative way of thinking
(or distorting), reframing means to change how
you're thinking at that time.
But I don't know
how to do this...
Can I have some
help please
Let's take 'minimising the positive', a widely suffered 'cognitive distortion' as an example. Take a step back & think about your successes & strengths. We all have examples of them in our lives, however much we might say that we don't. Do you downplay these successes & strengths? Are you even able to name one? Do you regularly tell people you've not achieved anything or have nothing to shout about? If so you are 'minimising the positive' by downplaying your successes. This is a 'cognitive distortion', and will cause you avoidable feelings of anxiety. The key to banishing this anxiety is 'reframing' this negative way of thinking by reminding yourself of your successes when you begin to downplay them. When you begin to think 'that compliment I got at work didn't really mean anything'. Instead you should try to think 'I did a really good job, I deserved that compliment.
My hard work paid off'
Okay that example helps, but this all still seems a bit hard?
This will feel a bit like a game of cat & mouse, where you'll be looking to catch yourself falling into negative ways of thinking (or 'distortions' to use the lingo). But don't worry, after a while it'll become easier & easier to identify when negative & 'distorted' thinking is creeping into your mind
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Below you'll find a worked example for 'fortune telling' to help you to spot when it begins creeping into your thinking & a suggestion about how to
'reframe' the situation.
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Remember, 'fortune telling' is just one of a number of 'cognitive distortions' which might be influencing your life. Check out the other articles in the anxiety help pages to find out more
fortune
telling
Here’s a career example: for most people, climbing the career ladder can be a bruising experience. Lots of knock backs, but usually if the person stays strong, career success does arrive eventually. For some, these knock backs can feel unduly bruising - especially if they don't have friends or family to support them through these rough patches by telling them success will come but will take time. For some, this translates into 'fortune telling' where the person predicts that because they've failed in their past, they will inevitably fail again in their future. In short, they 'fortune tell' that they will never, ever get what they want. A person in this position might give up altogether, even if they really want a change of career. Their past has defined their future. 'Reframing' the situation will involve two things: believing they are strong enough to keep going despite the bruising from knock-backs; and two, that success will inevitably come if they keep going & stay patient
nowME founder's personal story of
letting his past define his future
From an early age, I can remember feeling more bruised than others when I hit rocks in the road. One of my earliest memories, when I was maybe four years of age, was feeling really disheartened when I was struggling to learn to ride my bike. It didn't help that my twin sister was a natural & I could see first hand how easy it was for her & how much fun she was having riding her bike. I just wanted to 'be able to do it'. I became very self defeating, deciding in my own mind that I would never ever be able to ride my bike. Of course this was nonsense & soon enough I was happily riding my bike alongside my twin sister. But on reflection this was just the beginning of a personal tendency to feel unduly bruised & to fall into the bog of 'fortune telling'
Alongside the many other 'cognitive distortions' that plagued my teenage & early adult years, 'fortune telling' was an unwelcome companion. It was especially prominent in my life as I set off on my career in my early twenties. I took it very hard when I was rejected for jobs & begin to convince myself that I would never get anywhere. I just wasn't good enough, and these negative experiences, would just keep happening over & over again. "I would never get a job". This was 'fortune telling' in its purest most destructive form. Of course, my fears were nonsense & I did eventually get a job in my chosen area. But when I think back on the period, I do wonder if I might have just given up if I hadn't had the support & encouragement of others. I suspect the pain I was experiencing at that time, when I didn't get the job I wanted, might have been too much to handle. And might have meant that I just gave up to avoid having to feel the knock-backs time and again. Of course it's hard to know, maybe I would have stayed the course even without the support & encouragement of others. But I still do think about it & more than anything, wonder how others get-on who aren't as fortunate as I was to have friends & family pushing me on with words of encouragement.
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Realising that you have fallen into the quicksand of 'fortune telling' is a good first step to improving your situation. But what I can say for certain is that if you are reading this & my story strikes a chord then do try to find someone to talk to. Whoever it might be. Their words will help you to neutralise the 'fortune telling' that has crept into your thinking.
But, please remember
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Everyone is different. It's hard to generalise about these things as there are 101 different reasons about why you might be feeling the way you do.
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If you feel that you are not able to manage your feelings of anxiety on your own, please don't suffer in silence. Help is available. Please seek the help of a suitably qualified medical practitioner.