improve how you think about life
Let's be honest, most people tend to find fault in our day-to-day lives. We tend to unduly focus on our mistakes and ignore our successes. And if this wasn't enough to deal with, many of us also tend to approach our life with too much negativity & inflexibility
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So what's the problem with this attitude? Well, it often leads to anxiety. And at the same time, denies us much-needed opportunities to feel good
about ourselves & celebrate our hard-won achievements
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A heads up: this article should be read alongside others in our anxiety help pages. Although this article touches on similar themes to
"improve how you think about you", it is different in one important way: in this article we explore how we perceive our life as a whole & how this can lead to avoidable feelings of anxiety
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Read on to find hints & tips about how to improve how you think about your life. You'll also find our Founder's personal tale of challenging his own tendency to live his life under a rain cloud
improve how you think about
your life
As the saying goes, you are your own harshest critic. Many will have heard this saying, but few would have taken the time to think about how it relates to them
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Far too often we tend to find fault in our lives, focus on our mistakes way too much & frequently forget to celebrate our successes
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In professional circles, this is known as 'cognitive distortion.' Rather than having a balanced view of our life, many of us instead fall into negative patterns of thought where we 'distort' how we think about things
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Our own perspective on life will feel fair & balanced. To others however, our perspective will come across as unduly harsh
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Let's take a closer look at these so-called 'cognitive distortions'
"Cognitive distortions" come in different shapes & sizes. Below are five of the most common "cognitive distortions" which affect how we perceive our own life. If these 'distortions' don't strike a chord, please
head over to our anxiety home page. There you'll find other help articles which talk about a number of other common "cognitive distortions"
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If you're not sure if any apply to you, why not ask a friend or a family member what they think.
Many of us have a blindspot when it comes to understanding ourselves. Someone else might
be able to offer some insight into how you typically talk about yourself & your life in general
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This personal blindspot is absolutely normal, please don't worry
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Okay, let's take a look to see if any strike a
chord with you
minimising the positive
This is where you fail to celebrate your strengths, achievements, or both. Many people who suffer from this also tend to suffer from ‘magnifying the negative’.
But not exclusively.
magnifying the negative
This is where you spend too much time focussing on your mistakes or identifying potential problems with things going on in your life. Many people who suffer from this also tend to struggle with ‘minimising the positive’. But not exclusively.
should
statements
This is where you create a narrow, rigid, probably unattainable set of rules that you live your life or parts of your life by. You might be aware of these rules, & if you are, you’ll argue that you have these rules for very good reasons. In reality, when others take a look at your rules they’d quickly tell you that you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Why? Well, when rules are too narrow & rigid you’ll inevitably fail to meet them. When this happens, you’ll blame yourself for this perceived failure & create feelings of anxiety in the process.
emotional reasoning
Emotional reasoning is where you are led 100% by your emotions & how you are feeling on a particular day or week. The problem is that your emotions are not finely tuned & are not always logical. A lot of the time they are led by your sub-conscious, something mostly outside of your control. You will find it hard to see things in a fair & balanced way. If your emotions begin to tell you something is just terrible, you will think & feel that way. You will very likely also assume that everyone else (friends, family, colleagues) think & feel the same thing as you. If you were to ask them, you would discover that they aren’t feeling the same thing as you. Why? Well, we all feel & think differently. Some people are led more by their hearts, others are led more by their heads. Most people are led by a mixture of the two.
blaming
others
This is where you unjustifiably blame others for how you’re feeling on a particular day, usually after a minor transgression or inconvenience on their part. The big downside of ‘blaming others’ is that you will ignore whatever else is going on in your life that is actually causing you to feel on edge. Ignoring the truth is a blueprint for anxiety.
We've talked about 'cognitive distortions' & hopefully you've been able to spend a bit of time thinking about which 'distortions' might be influencing how you think about you & your life in general. The question you're bound to be now asking is what you can do to improve the situation...
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The second bit of jargon is 'reframing.' When you spot yourself slipping into a negative way of thinking
(or distorting), reframing means to change how
you're thinking at that time.
But I don't know
how to do this...
Can I have some
help please
Let's take 'minimising the positive' as an example. Take a step back & think about your successes & strengths. We all have examples of them in our lives, however much we say that we don't. Do you downplay these successes & strengths? Are you even able to name one? Do you regularly tell people you've not achieved anything or have nothing to shout about? If so you are 'minimising the positive' by downplaying your successes. This is a 'cognitive distortion', and will cause unnecessary feelings of anxiety. The key to banishing this anxiety is 'reframing' this negative way of thinking by reminding yourself of your successes & strengths when you start to downplay them. When you begin to think 'that compliment I got at work didn't really mean anything'. Instead you should try to think 'I did a really good job, I deserved that compliment.
My hard work paid off'
Okay that example helps, but this all still seems a bit hard?
This will feel a bit like a game of cat & mouse, where you'll be looking to catch yourself falling into negative ways of thinking (or 'distortions' to use the lingo). But don't worry, after a while it'll become easier & easier to identify when negative & 'distorted' thinking is creeping into your mind
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Below you'll find a worked example for each 'cognitive distortion' to help you spot when it begins creeping into your thinking & a suggestion about how to 'reframe' the situation
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Remember, the 'distortions' on this page are amongst a number of 'cognitive distortions' which might be influencing your life. Check out the other articles in the anxiety help pages to find out more
minimising the positive
Here’s an academic example: At times in life (for many people during their teenage years) we take exams & undergo assessments. A common example is when we are studying a course & at the end take an exam to test our understanding of what we’ve learnt. Most people will get results somewhere in the middle, neither top marks nor the lowest. If you “minimise the positive” you’ll beat yourself up by focussing on not getting top marks. Rather than (as would be much fairer) celebrating that you did as well or better than most others in your class, whilst recognising that you’ll learn from your mistakes & do your best to avoid them next time.
should
statements
Here’s a common example of "should statements" amongst
people looking to start a new relationship. Some people develop a narrow & rigid checklist about the sort of partner they’re looking for. For example: they must have a certain job, they must dress a certain way, they must like the same things, they must be a certain age. This in reality creates an unattainable set of rules which you are unlikely to be able to meet. A more flexible approach to new relationships, & life more generally, will help to avoid feelings of anxiety when you inescapably fall short of a narrow & rigid checklist
blaming
others
Here’s a workplace example: someone borrows your mug. You feel very very mad, and rightly so – well, at least in your mind. This person has selfishly denied you something of huge importance: a cup of something caffeinated. Sparks fly, angry emails are written. In reality, how you’re feeling that day is mostly down to the other things going on in your life – childcare issues, family tensions, money worries. Etc etc. They lit the touch paper with their very minor transgression & have unjustifiably felt the full force of your wrath. If you find yourself reacting strongly to pretty minor inconveniences, you’re more than likely “blaming others.”
magnifying the
negative
Here’s a career example: Changing jobs is part of most people’s lives. If you struggle with “magnifying the negative’ you’ll find yourself identifying all the negatives & none of the positives. For example you’ll think: changing jobs is too risky as you more than likely won’t like it, you probably won’t like the people, you will definitely dislike where the office is based, and because of these reasons, you’d better stay in your current job as you will definitely regret moving to a new job. In reality, let’s be honest, there are positives & negatives for most things in life including a career change. When thinking about the new job, try to identify the positives. For example: the new job will probably provide more opportunities for personal growth, it will more than likely help to build your self-confidence, it could lead to a better job in the future that would probably be out of reach if you decided to stay in your current job. If you find yourself thinking that something is 100% bad, it’s likely that you’re falling into the trap of “magnifying the negative”.
emotional reasoning
One example of emotional reasoning is where some people can become unduly emotional about what's happening on their street. For example, they spot some dropped litter outside of their front door. They feel upset & immediately draw the conclusion that their community is going to rack & ruin. Their neighbours just don’t care anymore… But let’s take a step back. There’s the real possibility the litter was dropped accidentally. Perhaps a sleep-deprived parent passed by & their very young child
threw the litter on the floor without them noticing. Even if someone did drop the litter on purpose, it says very little about your neighbours. Most of the people on your street would feel just like you: that littering is unacceptable. Your emotions don’t always tell the truth, they need to be managed like anything else. If you let them lead your
thinking without taking a step back, you’ll end up experiencing avoidable feelings of anxiety. A mixture of head & heart usually makes most sense.
But, please remember
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Everyone is different. It's hard to generalise about these things as there are 101 reasons sitting behind why you and others experience feelings of anxiety
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If you feel that you are struggling to manage your feelings of anxiety by yourself, please don't suffer in silence. Help is available. Please seek the help of a suitably qualified medical practitioner
nowME founder's personal story of
being his harshest critic
Up until very recently I was always my own harshest critic. This started way back when I was a teenager, and I guess stemmed from my low-esteem as I grew up as an overweight, spotty & nervous teenage boy. At school I still vividly remember being told by my Geography teacher that I was on track to finish in the top 1% of students in my subject in the whole country. "Was I happy about that?" my geography teacher asked. I shrugged and said "not really". I finished in the top 1% as predicted, but still I felt little to no satisfaction. Nor did I pat myself on the back. This was 'minimising the positive' in all its ugly glory.
Glancing at the 'cognitive distortions' above, I've suffered them all at sometime in my life.
"Minimising the positive' & 'Maximising the negative' bedevilled my time as a student. I got the grades but was never-ever satisfied.
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"Should statements" plagued my romantic life. I had, like so many others, a restrictive and ultimately destructive set of criteria for my future partner.
"Blaming others" & "Emotional reasoning" took a strong grip of my worldview as I left studying and entered the world of work. My lack of success, progress & satisfaction was always someone or something else's fault. And I believed that emphatically. I was called 'chippy' more than once or twice. I was the one, by & large, holding myself back. No-one else.
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I'm now mostly free of these negative ways of thinking. Without them in my life, I am less anxious, more positive & undoubtedly enjoy a much greater sense of wellbeing. I hope with a little help from nowME, you can also rid yourself of these 'distortions' and find the true you.