being more positive about you
Many of us spend too much time beating ourselves up for what's going on in our lives. Also, many of us
tend to have skewed thoughts about how others
see & perceive us personally
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So what's the problem with this attitude? Well, it often leads to anxiety. And at the same time, also
denies us much-needed opportunities to feel good
about ourselves & celebrate our hard-won achievements
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A heads up: this article should be read alongside others in the help pages. Although this article touches on similar themes to "improve how you think
about your life", it is different in one important
way: in this article we explore how we perceive ourself & how this can cause avoidable
feelings of anxiety
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Read on to find hints & tips about how to improve how you think about you. You'll also find our Founder's personal tale of a time in his life when he was far
too tough on himself
be more positive
about you
As the saying goes, you are your own harshest critic. Many will have heard this saying, but few would have taken the time to think about how it relates to them
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Far too often we focus on our mistakes & perceived weaknesses. Taking personal responsibility is healthy, but far too often this becomes extreme & unhealthy
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Many of us also have a skewed view about how others perceive us, our perceived weaknesses & our mistakes
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In professional circles, this is known as 'cognitive distortion.' Rather than having a balanced view of ourselves, many of us instead fall into negative patterns of thought where we 'distort' how we think about things
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To us, how we perceive ourself will feel fair & balanced. To others, however,
how we perceive ourself will come across as
harsh & unbalanced
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Let's take a closer look at these so-called 'cognitive distortions'
"Cognitive distortions" come in different shapes & sizes. Below are four of the most common "cognitive distortions" which affect how we see ourselves. If these 'distortions' don't strike a chord, please
head over to our anxiety home page. There you'll find other help articles which talk about a number of other common "cognitive distortions"
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If you're not sure if any apply to you, why not ask a friend or a family member what they think.
Many of us have a blindspot when it comes to understanding ourselves. Someone else might
be able to offer some insight into how you typically talk about yourself & your life in general
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This personal blindspot is absolutely normal, please don't worry
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Okay, let's get started: take a look to see if
any strike a chord with you
self-
blaming
Things go wrong all the time, it’s just life. Most of the time it’ll be pretty minor stuff like running horribly late for a catch-up with a friend. Sometimes it’ll be bigger stuff like making a mistake at work. Self-blaming is where you respond to these events by heaping 100% of responsibility onto yourself. You will ignore the many factors that contribute to our successes & mistakes in life. On most occasions you won’t be 100% responsible for what unfolds, it’ll be in part due to your actions but also a bunch of other things which are outside of your control
catastrophising
When things go wrong they can leave a long lasting impression on how you think. For some people this can negatively affect how they think about the things going on in their life. ‘Catastrophising’ is where a person will identify a small error, mistake or misstep then magnify this into catastrophic proportions.
mind
reading
Mind reading is where you form a very firm conclusion about what people think or feel about you. This is usually based on very little information. Unless someone has been very honest with you (which is rare) it’s almost impossible to know what they (or anyone else for that matter) thinks about you with any great certainty.
all-or-nothing
thinking
“All-or-nothing’ is where a person has very little middle ground in how they think about things. Something or someone is either amazing or absolutely terrible.Most people & things are usually not either one or another. They’re somewhere in between, maybe good but not amazing. Maybe underwhelming but not horrific. When you think this way you will exclude people or colleagues who deserve your time & attention. And you’ll avoid experiences or opportunities that may improve your wellbeing & self-confidence.
We've talked about 'cognitive distortions' & hopefully you've been able to spend a bit of time thinking about which 'distortions' might be influencing how you think about you. The question you're bound to be asking now is what you can do to improve the situation...
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The second bit of jargon is 'reframing.' When you spot yourself slipping into a negative way of thinking (or distorting), reframing means to change how
you're thinking at that time.
But I don't know
how to do this...
Can I have some
help please
Let's take 'self-blaming' as an example. Take a step back & think about mistakes & mis-steps you've made in life. We all have examples of mistakes we've made & spend time thinking about. When you think about these mistakes in your past, it's normal to feel regret. But this regret should be fair & balanced. When you make a mistake or mis-step in everyday life, how do you usually react? Would you say you are fair & balanced when you make these mistakes? Or are you extreme & disproportionate?
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Do you consistently tell yourself that only you and no-one else was responsible for your mistakes? Of course sometimes we are 100% responsible for something that happens, but in most situations a number of people or things were probably the cause - not
just you. If you always shoulder 100% of the responsibility in 100% of situations, then you are falling victim to 'self-blaming'. This is a 'cognitive distortion'. What's the problem? Well, self-blaming will lead to unnecessary & avoidable feelings
of anxiety.
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The key to banishing this anxiety is 'reframing' this negative way of thinking (or 'cognitive distortion') by reminding yourself that no-one including you is 100% responsible in 100% of situations. And even when you are responsible for a mistake, you're entitled to be able to say that you'll do your best to avoid making the same mistake in the future & then move on with your life.
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In 99.9% of situations, a mistake is just that: a mistake. Nothing more. By accepting responsibility you are, in return, entitled to expect others - be it your partner, boss or friend - to acknowledge
that as human beings we all make mistakes.
Okay that example helps, but this all still seems a bit hard?
This will feel a bit like a game of cat & mouse, where you'll be looking to catch yourself falling into negative ways of thinking (or 'cognitive distortions' to use the lingo). But don't worry, after a while it'll become easier & easier to identify when negative & 'distorted' thinking is creeping into your mind
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Below you'll find a worked example for each 'cognitive distortion' to help you to spot when it's creeping into your thinking & a suggestion about how to 'reframe' the situation
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Remember, the 'distortions' in this article are amongst a number of 'cognitive distortions' which might be influencing your life. Check out the other articles in the anxiety help pages to find out more
self-
blaming
Here’s a worked example: You make a mistake at work. For example you forget to send an important email to a customer. You feel horrible about the mistake & your manager doesn’t help as they are really unsupportive. You blame yourself completely for what happened & spend the whole week running through every detail in your head. This causes anxiety as you repeatedly beat yourself up for getting something so straightforward so wrong - or that’s what you think at least. If you take a step-back you’d realise that you weren’t 100% responsible for your mistake at work. You’ve been overworked for many months as your manager didn’t replace your colleague who left a few months ago. Also you were feeling unwell that week, but because there was so much work to do you had no choice other than to troop into the office. You should have been able to take some much-needed sick leave. All in all, there were a bunch of reasons for what happened. ‘Self-blaming’ is not only anxiety-inducing, but also excuses other people of their fair share of responsibility. If you regularly hold yourself 100% responsible for things going on in your life, there’s a good chance you are ‘self-blaming’.
mind
reading
Here’s a social example: whilst out with friends, you become absolutely convinced that a person you’ve just met doesn’t like you. Why? Well, you’re convinced that they looked at you in a very strange way. They’re new to the social group, a new partner of one of your friends. Thinking about it from someone else’s perspective for a moment, isn’t it much more likely that they didn’t look at you in a strange way at all. Instead you were simply over-reading the situation as you were feeling self-conscious. Think about it, how often in your life do you initially feel that someone new doesn’t like you. Then a few weeks or months later, you find that you become friends or good work colleagues. Too much mind reading is not helpful & will lead to anxiety.
catastrophising
Here’s a relationship example: you head out to a nice restaurant for a date, it’ll be the first time you’ve met this person. You want to make the right impression as you’ve really hit it off chatting over instant messaging. You’re really pleased with how the evening is going. When you pop to the bathroom you discover that you’ve had a splodge of food on your face since you ate your starter about half an hour ago. You feel mortified. How could this happen... What must your date think... Everything is ruined, your date is clearly just waiting out the evening then won’t want to see you ever again... You might as well cut to the chase & leave yourself... Let’s take a step back, you’re ‘catastrophising'. You’ve hit it off. In all likelihood, they just felt self-conscious & a bit nervous. They didn’t want to mention your food-error as they feared it would be embarrassing for you, for them & wanted to protect your feelings. In reality, this is a small thing which could very easily become a funny memory for you both.
all-or-nothing
thinking
Here’s a life example: like many people, you’re trying to juggle a million & one things including keeping fit & healthy. You try your best to keep to a balanced diet. Less cakes & biscuits, more salad & fresh fruit. One weekend, you eat far too much & mostly things you should be avoiding. If you suffer from ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking, you’ll decide that all is lost with your health drive. You binged & all your hard-won progress has been for absolutely nothing. You might as well drop the balanced diet altogether. In reality, there’s a much better way to think about what happened: mistakes happen, you are only human & fell prey to temptation. There’s no need to stop as all hasn’t been lost, you will simply learn from what happened & approach your health drive with a new perspective. In a few week’s time the weekend binge will be all but forgotten.
But, please remember
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Everyone is different. It's hard to generalise about these things as there are 101 reasons sitting behind why you and others experience feelings of anxiety
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If you feel that you are struggling to manage your feelings of anxiety by yourself, please don't suffer in silence. Help is available. Please seek the help of a suitably qualified medical practitioner
nowME founder's personal story of
being way too tough on himself
Until I underwent therapy, my usual stance was to be way too tough on myself. Or in the technical lingo, 'self-blaming' was an unfortunate part of my everyday existence. It's of course important to take responsibility when we make a mis-step, but far too often I had a tendency to take this to the extreme. Now I realise just how destructive that can be.
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The height of my self-blaming came when I was a teenager & young adult. Especially in my romantic life. This had a pretty shocking effect on my self-confidence which, well, was already at record lows. In hindsight I would have been much better acknowledging there were things I needed to change about myself, but equally, romance is never easy.
We all need to be kinder to ourselves as life can be pretty tough at times. Shouldering 100% of the responsibility for every twist & turn in your life is a recipe for disaster - and avoidable anxiety. In my humble view its best to accept that we are resilient but still fragile sailboats navigating a ginormous ocean of uncertainty. By understanding this, we would all enjoy a fairer & much more balanced perspective of our life & also of ourselves.
I'm lucky that i've not had to face the other 'distortions' talked about in this help page - catastrophising, mind-reading & all-or-nothing thinking - but I know loved ones & friends who do grapple with these on a daily basis.
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I'm now mostly free of these negative ways of thinking. Without them in my life, I am less anxious, more positive & undoubtedly enjoy a much greater sense of wellbeing. I hope with a little help from nowME, you can also rid yourself of these 'distortions' and find the true you.